With his newly minted apology in tow and after three months, Tiger Woods is ready for us to forgive him. What a sick Jerk. Tiger Woods does not feel guilt. Woods only vaguely touches what normal people understand as emotions.
Someone asked when does the healing start? I'll tell you when. When Elin stops hurting. Which is never. Speaking fom exprience,the pain never goes away, and in Elin's case she keeps getting stabed in the heart with every new revelation. And what about those other women? Do they get off scott free? Why are their actions not equally condemned? Honestly, Do the transgressions of women count less than those for men? It's really troubling how society’s willing to overlook these “other” women as they continue to come out of the woodwork.
Frankly, I hope she puts him out of his misery and take him for $300 million. Hey he's Tiger Woods, and he's entitled to all the spoils of victory. His rehab may tell his otherwise, but his hangerson will always remind him. Tiger's stripes will remain the same. GRRRRRRRRRR.... oouch!!!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
From Adultery to Divorce
We want an explanation for what causes divorce. When one of the spouses in a divorce has an affair -- has been unfaithful -- we long to point to that as the reason. More often than not, adultery isn't the cause of divorce; it's just one of the symptoms.
Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an Affair
Michelle couldn't figure out what had come over Nick. Not long ago, he had been so gentle, so supportive, so loving. Over the last few months, however, he had become cold, distant, and strangely negative toward everything about her. She first thought he was right, that she really was an ineffective mother, a lousy lover, and a sloppy housekeeper. Then she thought John was going through depression. When she described his behavior, however, both her therapist and I had a strong suspicion John was having an affair.
Where did we get the idea that spouses guilty of having affairs come home with a bleary-eyed apology and a dozen roses? Not the ones I see. They get mean.
Why? The nearest I can tell is that when I know I'm unfaithful to my spouse, I'm doing what I've learned all my life is against the rules. I have to justify it somehow. The easiest way I know to do that is to dwell on all the things that are wrong with my spouse. "I've put up with this *$#^@ for all these years. Of course I've eventually strayed. Anybody would under these circumstances.
Beyond that, of course, there are the traditional signs that your spouse is straying: Like long hours of time unaccounted for, explained by increasingly flimsy excuses.
Like strange smells.
Like coldness during sex.
Like frequent silence when you pick up the phone.
Like unexplained expenses.
Like a sudden and unexplained series of changes in your spouse's appearance and/or behavior.
Like those hints you're getting from your friends that you may be discounting.
What To Do About It
You can start with what most people do when they begin to suspect -- and then conclude -- that their husband or wife is having an affair.
GO BERSERK
It's okay. That's sort of what you're supposed to do. It is quite literally maddening to discover that your spouse is being unfaithful. You hate your spouse. You hate the other person. You hate yourself. You question your own worth and value.
You are consumed with curiosity. You want to know where they went and what they did. How big is his penis? How do her breasts and her rear end compare with mine? She's prettier than me. He's richer than me. What does she see in him? She doesn't seem like his type at all. What did she do with him? What positions do they use? You want to drive by when you suspect they're together and see whose car is parked outside.
You also want to know who else knows. Do his co-workers know? Do my friends know? How about his family? What are they saying about me? What do my spouse and the other person say about me?
Eventually, though, you can begin fashioning a more thoughtful response. It's time to rethink your marriage, of course. Are you still committed to it? Is there any hope for restoring your marriage? Should you confront your spouse with what you know?
It's crucial that you understand the difference between the angry feelings you have and the self-destructive behaviors that might grow out of those feelings if you don't find a way to deal with them. It is at this stage that you really need counseling. Or a helping friend. You might also visit Helping Each Other, where good people like you help each other get through this awful process of divorce. Read about the three divorces.
Should you hire a private investigator? That's a complicated question. First read Does it Matter? Then think strategically. If you're still convinced you need to hire a private investigator, do so. But when you do, make sure you're using the investigator as efficiently as possible. Gather photographs, models and tag numbers of cars, addresses, and phone numbers that might be helpful. Most importantly, gather and write down all the information you can about where your spouse might be at what hours, so you won't have to pay the investigator to spend hours at the time just watching and waiting.
Also, lower your expectations. It's a rare case indeed where a private investigator will actually be able to produce those proverbial 8 x 10 glossies of your spouse and his or her lover in the act of intercourse. More likely, you will end up with a succession of photographs showing your spouse and the other person together at bars or restaurants, perhaps kissing, dancing, or hugging, or perhaps going in and out of a hotel room or apartment.
There's another, more pungent phenomenon that adultery causes. Almost always, the spouse whose spouse is unfaithful experiences a sudden, dizzying loss of self-confidence. What's wrong with me? Why would my spouse do this? I'm getting old! Now no one will ever love me!
Perhaps the most important task you have in the wake of your spouse's affair is to convince yourself, first in your head and later even in your gut, that this is not about you. It's about your spouse. It's your spouse who has made the decision to commit adultery. It's not a problem you can, should, or will solve.
Excerpt taken from: http://www.divorceinfo.com/adultery.htm
Signs Your Spouse May Be Having an Affair
Michelle couldn't figure out what had come over Nick. Not long ago, he had been so gentle, so supportive, so loving. Over the last few months, however, he had become cold, distant, and strangely negative toward everything about her. She first thought he was right, that she really was an ineffective mother, a lousy lover, and a sloppy housekeeper. Then she thought John was going through depression. When she described his behavior, however, both her therapist and I had a strong suspicion John was having an affair.
Where did we get the idea that spouses guilty of having affairs come home with a bleary-eyed apology and a dozen roses? Not the ones I see. They get mean.
Why? The nearest I can tell is that when I know I'm unfaithful to my spouse, I'm doing what I've learned all my life is against the rules. I have to justify it somehow. The easiest way I know to do that is to dwell on all the things that are wrong with my spouse. "I've put up with this *$#^@ for all these years. Of course I've eventually strayed. Anybody would under these circumstances.
Beyond that, of course, there are the traditional signs that your spouse is straying: Like long hours of time unaccounted for, explained by increasingly flimsy excuses.
Like strange smells.
Like coldness during sex.
Like frequent silence when you pick up the phone.
Like unexplained expenses.
Like a sudden and unexplained series of changes in your spouse's appearance and/or behavior.
Like those hints you're getting from your friends that you may be discounting.
What To Do About It
You can start with what most people do when they begin to suspect -- and then conclude -- that their husband or wife is having an affair.
GO BERSERK
It's okay. That's sort of what you're supposed to do. It is quite literally maddening to discover that your spouse is being unfaithful. You hate your spouse. You hate the other person. You hate yourself. You question your own worth and value.
You are consumed with curiosity. You want to know where they went and what they did. How big is his penis? How do her breasts and her rear end compare with mine? She's prettier than me. He's richer than me. What does she see in him? She doesn't seem like his type at all. What did she do with him? What positions do they use? You want to drive by when you suspect they're together and see whose car is parked outside.
You also want to know who else knows. Do his co-workers know? Do my friends know? How about his family? What are they saying about me? What do my spouse and the other person say about me?
Eventually, though, you can begin fashioning a more thoughtful response. It's time to rethink your marriage, of course. Are you still committed to it? Is there any hope for restoring your marriage? Should you confront your spouse with what you know?
It's crucial that you understand the difference between the angry feelings you have and the self-destructive behaviors that might grow out of those feelings if you don't find a way to deal with them. It is at this stage that you really need counseling. Or a helping friend. You might also visit Helping Each Other, where good people like you help each other get through this awful process of divorce. Read about the three divorces.
Should you hire a private investigator? That's a complicated question. First read Does it Matter? Then think strategically. If you're still convinced you need to hire a private investigator, do so. But when you do, make sure you're using the investigator as efficiently as possible. Gather photographs, models and tag numbers of cars, addresses, and phone numbers that might be helpful. Most importantly, gather and write down all the information you can about where your spouse might be at what hours, so you won't have to pay the investigator to spend hours at the time just watching and waiting.
Also, lower your expectations. It's a rare case indeed where a private investigator will actually be able to produce those proverbial 8 x 10 glossies of your spouse and his or her lover in the act of intercourse. More likely, you will end up with a succession of photographs showing your spouse and the other person together at bars or restaurants, perhaps kissing, dancing, or hugging, or perhaps going in and out of a hotel room or apartment.
There's another, more pungent phenomenon that adultery causes. Almost always, the spouse whose spouse is unfaithful experiences a sudden, dizzying loss of self-confidence. What's wrong with me? Why would my spouse do this? I'm getting old! Now no one will ever love me!
Perhaps the most important task you have in the wake of your spouse's affair is to convince yourself, first in your head and later even in your gut, that this is not about you. It's about your spouse. It's your spouse who has made the decision to commit adultery. It's not a problem you can, should, or will solve.
Excerpt taken from: http://www.divorceinfo.com/adultery.htm
Saturday, January 30, 2010
We See Only What We Need To
Sometimes the whole sorted details are right in front of you, but it's true what they say...love blinds. She called me one hot summer evening from her store where she was the Manger. She told me she had to do a "change over" of the store that included window and floor displays. This usually took most of the evening all the way up to 2 or 3am. Being the dutiful husband and father I told her not to worry I'll feed the kids, HW, etc. About a five minutes after I hung up I called back to remind her to bring me home some of my favorite treats from the store. Rrrrrrrrrrrringgg, rrrrrrrrrrrrrring no answer. Now that's strange. Why wouldn’t someone answer the phone if her and her crew would be there all 3am? It was at that moment I felt; I knew something just felt wrong. The moment I chose to open my eyes. Even better, to prove to my eyes what unconsciously I probably already knew.
I decided to immediately take a trip to the city to "surprise" her. I'll never forget the darkness of the store when turned the corner from the subway. I remember thinking, my marriage is over.
A week later while on the computer, I right clicked by accident and was somewhat confused why a whole new document appeared with the greeting, "My Love. Gee, I don't remember getting a love letter. As I read on further however, there was the explanation of those missing hours a week ago. The store was completely dark and so was the room where she said f-you to our marriage of 12 years.
There it was in black and white. Irrefutable. No explanation needed. Can't rationalize it away this time. The heartache had started again, and you know, time helps, but it never really ends. I've concluded that we spoon feed ourselves small doses of pain, just enough to keep our sanity.
I decided to immediately take a trip to the city to "surprise" her. I'll never forget the darkness of the store when turned the corner from the subway. I remember thinking, my marriage is over.
A week later while on the computer, I right clicked by accident and was somewhat confused why a whole new document appeared with the greeting, "My Love. Gee, I don't remember getting a love letter. As I read on further however, there was the explanation of those missing hours a week ago. The store was completely dark and so was the room where she said f-you to our marriage of 12 years.
There it was in black and white. Irrefutable. No explanation needed. Can't rationalize it away this time. The heartache had started again, and you know, time helps, but it never really ends. I've concluded that we spoon feed ourselves small doses of pain, just enough to keep our sanity.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Silence Hates Cheaters
Five years ago and after 12 years of marriage, I found out that my now ex-wife was cheating on me…again. Yes, I forgave her the 1st time; after all, we had 5 kids to tend to. So, I left and then found out soon after that our last child(then 3yrs old) was not mine. I discovered that there had been one or two guys sticking their d**s in and out of my marriage for years. Devastated, embarrassed, and alone, instead of going ballistic, I played it cool. I did the civil thing and led with my head and not my heart. One wrong move and it could get ugly, nasty and, not to mention, expensive. In essence, I suffered in silence. I did the sensible thing, but I never really got to release all the pent-up pain and anger.
But you know what? F*** that sh**. No more…enough!! I created this blog for all those Men and Women out there who are suffering in silence right this minute. Too scared, confused, torn up inside or whatever to scream. For those too smart to punch, kick, cut stab, bludgeoned or shoot to kill. I know you wanna do it too. Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh! For those who have to deal with the unfair and one sided child support system. I want you to use this blog to scream out, shout out , get the pain out. Don’t go to bed night after night like I did. Tormented, fighting the urge to do some crazy sh**. Respond to this post if you’re one of those who still have to deal with that a**hole, that the mention of their name makes you physically ill. Respond and release all the pain their selfish, self-absorbed, insensitive actions have caused you. The kind of pain no one else dear try to tell you any sh** about.
Some of you, due to circumstances, may still have to continue to deal with all the lies, cheating, double-crossing, shifty, sneaky, two-timing, untrustworthy, wicked, SOB for the good of…. Tell your story. SPEAK. SPEAK LOUD, and let those bastards hear your voice up and down their street… THE PHILANDER’S STREET.
But you know what? F*** that sh**. No more…enough!! I created this blog for all those Men and Women out there who are suffering in silence right this minute. Too scared, confused, torn up inside or whatever to scream. For those too smart to punch, kick, cut stab, bludgeoned or shoot to kill. I know you wanna do it too. Ooooooooooooooooohhhhhhh! For those who have to deal with the unfair and one sided child support system. I want you to use this blog to scream out, shout out , get the pain out. Don’t go to bed night after night like I did. Tormented, fighting the urge to do some crazy sh**. Respond to this post if you’re one of those who still have to deal with that a**hole, that the mention of their name makes you physically ill. Respond and release all the pain their selfish, self-absorbed, insensitive actions have caused you. The kind of pain no one else dear try to tell you any sh** about.
Some of you, due to circumstances, may still have to continue to deal with all the lies, cheating, double-crossing, shifty, sneaky, two-timing, untrustworthy, wicked, SOB for the good of…. Tell your story. SPEAK. SPEAK LOUD, and let those bastards hear your voice up and down their street… THE PHILANDER’S STREET.
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